Healing and Forgiveness
Sometimes it's difficult to be grateful until we can forgive.
This might be one of the reasons old family wounds come to the surface around the holidays. There are many pressures for us to be grateful to or appreciate our family and friends throughout the holidays, and old wounds that are not yet forgiven can rise up and create obstacles and resistance to our ability to feel grateful.
Forgiveness can lead to greater spiritual and psychological well-being exactly because it can pave the way for more gratitude in our lives.
Forgiveness is a Universal Burden
Almost all of us have one or more people or incidents in our past that have caused us great pain. In particular, wounds that have made us feel shame or humiliation have a great deal of power over us and keep us from feeling whole when our feelings become hurt.
Forgiveness work is very difficult and the time must be right.
Never pressure another person to forgive or try to make them feel wrong if they are not ready.
This minimizes the experience they are having and convinces them you don’t understand their feelings. It’s much better to let them know you are available to listen until they have gotten past the anger.
Forgiveness Is Not Permission
To forgive does not mean to forget.
Creating healthy personal boundaries that create emotional and psychological safety is usually the first step toward being able to forgive.
It’s a good idea to assess if you are using adult methods for establishing trust.
For example, adult trust is based on behavior; if someone is always late then you can trust them to be late.
Relationship boundaries are based on what you know to be true from experience and you don’t need to apologize for these. On the other hand, if a person’s behavior is consistently caring and then one time they’re not, you may want to consider if you are overreacting if you are allowing one incident to erode all your trust.
Ways to Cope
Limit time spent
Take responsibility for your emotional health. Your safety comes before the abuser’s feelings. It’s okay to take care of your needs even if it makes waves.
Set Boundaries
Consider what makes you feel safe.
Example: Please don’t come to my home without calling first.
Example: No, you cannot have a key to my home.
Example: It will need to be a short phone call.
Example: Let the call go to voicemail and then call back when you feel prepared.
Example: You’re not allowed to spend time with my children unless you’re sober.
Example: When you can apologize then we can talk about rebuilding trust.
See truth with compassion
Consider the reality and facts.
Having been abused is no excuse for abusing another. It may be a reason, but that’s not the same thing.
The weight of shame and humiliation is real. Can you sit with yours?
We often want to pretend everything is okay to avoid healing. This tactic from your ego can stunt your growth and prevent healing. Are you engaged in this pattern?
Consider what ways you’re similar to the person you’re trying to forgive.
Have you ever done something you should have apologized for but have not?
Acknowledge that love and abuse cannot happen at the same moment. Also, acknowledge that we can love someone who is not good for us. Love does not heal other people.
Know that we can make good choices for ourselves when love is not healthy. We can always choose differently.
Consider that there are many different types of teachers, those who teach us who we want to be, and those who teach us who we DON’T want to be.
When others love us, we are not excused from healing ourselves.
A Process for Forgiveness
Now, let’s dive into a process to help loosen your heart space and open up to the possibility of forgiveness.
Let’s begin:
Bring your attention to your chest/heart space.
Settle into this area. Know that you will be here for a few minutes.
Breathe into your belly and connect to the bottom of your feet. This brings you fully into the body.
Once you are fully in your body and settled into your heart, look at a single incident that causes you to carry shame, humiliation, or resentment.
Look at it without protecting yourself.
Keep your heart open. This is going to sting a bit. You will be okay.
Go even deeper into your heart.
Slow the event way down like a movie in slow motion. Do not rush.
PERCEIVE who you were at the time of the incident.
How old were you?
What were you attempting to achieve?
What was going on with the other person?
Do you owe someone an apology?
Did someone owe you an apology?
Did you know better at the time?
What kept you from being your best self?
Why did this incident wound you so deeply?
What have you learned from this experience about yourself and about the other person?
If you could go back to that time, what would you do differently?
If you could go back in time, what would you have the other person do differently?
Is there any goodness in life that is not getting to you because you hold this shame/humiliation/resentment in your heart?
Is there anything else you can learn from this?
Now that you have looked at it in the heart - hand it over to GOD, Allah, Angels, the Unified Consciousness, Oneness, - whatever and whomever you believe is there for the healing of your soul.
Let it go. It has happened. It cannot be undone.
Forgive the other person.
Let it go. If you have let it teach you then it has served its purpose.
Forgive yourself even if that doesn’t make sense.
Let it go. This does not mean you will forget. You are letting go of the burden. Of shame. Of the humiliation or the resentment.
Let yourself feel the love that is available for YOU.
To Follow Up After the Process:
Talk about this incident out loud to someone who doesn’t know about it. Make a point every now and then to reveal the story of what happened to someone who doesn’t know.
Learn to speak the truth of your experience in a way that doesn’t make you feel as if you are protecting the person who wounded you.
Examples:
This person meant a lot to me, taught me many things, and wounded me in many ways. I am still healing from that.
This person passed on many wounds to my parents and so it also influenced me. I am working to heal it and not pass it on anymore.
I love this person very much and they also scare the hell out of me. There is stuff I need to heal but I don’t even know where to start.
I can see this person has contributed positive things to me – although not in the way I would have preferred to be taught. I can’t say that I love them, but I am working to have compassion for them.
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